space bound!

About to be Space bound in my rocketship, travelling from this land of plenty into a void.
My clothes stained wit d tears of my loved ones as they beg me to stay.
 I leave my heart with them!

 I leave behind all my memories, my possessions, my family. Taking with me only the 2 tear snakes wriggling down my eyes! My most prized possession, my sorrow!

 I am garbed in my space suit! My armour! The wall standing between me and them! As i stand watching them from the platform, they yell and scream! Waving frantically at me, i pretend i can't see them, my helmet hides my sorrow as i stand stoic! A statue rid of all the harrows of life! Rid of the pain of caring!

 I take in a huge shuddering breath, trying to fill my lungs wit all the memories of this place i will never return to! I take a deep shuddering breath trying not to feel the heavy chains still binding my heart to this place!

Behind me is the vessel that would take me to oblivion, my very own metal coffin bearing my shell out of this place! Bearing my flesh into nothingness. for i know i am leaving the very essence of me, my soul, behind!

Time to board! I clench my heart! Squeezing every little droplet of emotion out and take my ungainly steps up the ramp! I focus on my legs willing them to move, first left then right! Move damn you, take me into tommorrow!

Then out of nowhere i see her! The memory slams into me a force 5 typhoon, leaving me winded! A whirlwind of feelings, swirl in my heart, black and white polaroids of an ancient emotion flashing intermittently through my heart! Betrayed by me, the rain falls! The storm rages violently inside me but all dat escapes are the few teardrops falling behind my helmet, a tsunami of dew drops, gentle yet devastating! my mask my saving grace!

Then eureka!, an epiphany, i realize that i run not from them but from her! I strip myself of everything only with the hope that i rid myself of the reigns she has bridled my heart with! The images flash faster! Her shape, her walk, her tears, her laugh! Then a climax and a freeze frame! Her smile! Pasted firmly on the wall of my heart!

"Captain, what's your status?" The voice shocks me out of my reverie, dazed and more than a little afraid i turn around in crazy dizzying circles searching for the speaker, till i remember the control center! I lick my very dry lips and hear a cracked voice that can't possibly be mine reply "on my way to the ship"

"Baby are you alright" the voice says again, i have a double take! she is dere in the command center watching me, Ushering me into oblivion! My heart answers her question, hammering its answer against my chest in the morse code of love! THUMP, THUMP, THUMP! A village soldier sounding the battle drums!, A herd of zebra running from the death personified by the lion!, the heart of a man lying to his lover! "I am fine" i mutter as i walk in and the doors gently close, sealing her out forever!

life support!

Beep! Beep! Beep! The pitched scream of the white mechanical banshee is the only proof that i am alive! I can hear maybe even twitch a finger or two bt save for these rudimentary life functions i am unable to do much else!
She comes to my bedside everyday! Jezebel i can smell her perfume as it wafts into my nostrils! 'Estee Lauder' i bought it! It cost a whole months salary but she was worth it! The irony of life! I nurtured my murderer. I helped plot my murder!
The only regret i have is that i might be unable to avenge myself! She would probably go scot free. Who would suspect Kanyinsola of something as hideous as this? Who would believe that the mind behind that angelic face would be so devious? We all forget that even angels can have their wicked schemes!
I can see her in my mind's eye! I am sure she is dressed in black, mourning my grievous injury at the hands of the armed robbers! She has always been one for theatrics! But am sure the cut of her curvy black blouse would be extremely low showing her fresh cleavage! I am certain the slit of her outrageously short black skirt would run all the way up her thigh! I am sure she is at this moment in the doctors office genuinely feigning worry and concern over my plight while shamelessly flirting with him! They have probably begun some torrid affair! He is probably 'comforting' her right now on his office table, his medical books, equipment and clothes all scattered in clumsy tangles around the floor! I hope they forget to lock the door!, i hope they get caught!
Who am i kidding? Kanyinsola is a pro! Even if my doctor forgets she would personally lock the door.
How did i get to love this woman? How come even after all she has done my heart still skips a beat when i feel her soft small hands grasp mine? Whoever said there is a thin line between love and hate certainly hasn't lived my life! I can confidently say i both Love and Hate her.
Not alternatively! No at the very same time! With the very same heart! I hate and love Kanyinsola!
I can hear voices, they are getting closer! Its Kanyinsola and the Doctor! I wish i knew how he looks, i hope he is short, fat, ugly and bald! But knowing Kanyinsola he is probably prince charming!
They are way closer now! I can hear their conversation.
'Kanyin are Ɣ☺ΰ sure Ɣ☺ΰ want to pull the plug?' I hear a deep voice ask.
My heart slams against my chest! Pull the plug? Kill me? Damn so this is how it ends!
'Dr Paul, Ɣ☺ΰ know i cannot afford to pay all the bills piling up' her silky voice replies.
'Yes you can' i yell as loudly as i can think! 'What happened to the one million naira in our joint account?' I ask her from my mind!
I feel a warm trickle run down my face as the answer hits me! It is over!
She is sniffling now, her tears can melt an iron bar! Even when Ɣ☺ΰ know they are fake!
I hear clothes rustle, he is holding her!
'Don't worry baby, i would take care of Ɣ☺ΰ!' He rumbles in his deep baritone!
I was right they are having an affair! My blood turns cold! Its funny how i can still be jealous in a situation like this! My only consolation is that in about a year he would be the one lying on the bed! Paying for his sins, paying for his love!
'Have Ɣ☺ΰ filled all the forms?' He asks
'Yes' she stutters!
'Do Ɣ☺ΰ want to say your goodbyes?' He rumbles
She must have nodded as i hear him walk out of the room, after i hear their clothes rustle again and a smack that could have only been a kiss!
The smell of the perfume is getting stronger, she is walking closer, my heart is beating faster!
Then her hands again, in my hands!
'Kola i wish it didn't have to end like this' she whispers into my ear!
' Ɣ☺ΰ might not believe me, but i do love you! More than i ever loved any other man! This is the hardest it has ever been' She says still whispering, her voice caressing my ears! Teasing me, pleasing me!
She does love me! I might die today but i she loves me!
'Paul i am ready' she says as she stands!
I hear the doctor walk back in and walk closer!
The banshee wails louder, probably trying to drown my rising heart beat!
I feel his hands reach past my ear towards the direction of the Beeps! I am scared!
My life flashes before my minds eye! My family, my friends, my boss, my dogs, my church, my love!
My Kanyinsola! There is a freeze frame as her beauty fills my view!
Then i hear a click and then..... nothing!

mother!

She cringed as the lash landed again on his back. Her body erupting in violent spasms as the tears flowed freely down her face. She clung to her friend Magdalene, her grip tight. Magdalene whispered soothing words into her ears. Mary heard none of them. She couldn't look away from the blood, everytime the razor laced whip landed on his back, a volcano of blood erupted into the air.
She couldn't look away from the face of the soldier, his face betraying his sardonic pleasure at the pain he was inflicting on her son.
'That is the twentieth stroke' Mary whispered, her voice thick with pain 'they are goin to kill him Magda'
'They are goin to kill my son'
Magdalene said nothing, only held her friend tighter, what could she possibly say? How could she explain that as each stroke landed on his back she felt a tearing pain in her chest?
How could she explain that she would give anything to be there receiving the lashes in his stead?
There were no words to describe the thoughts running through her mind. So she kept silent and allowed her tears flow, running down her face and mixing with her friends.
Suddenly as the soldier landed a particularly violent lash, her son looked up. His eyes filled with pain, he looked right through the crowd, straight at Mary and whispered
'Mother'
The word echoed through her head! Her son was calling for her, she needed to stop the soldier! She needed to do something, anything!
She pushed away from her friend and started making her way through the crowd, shoving people out of her way, she had to stop him.
'Mary! Come back!' Magdalene yelled 'please! They would arrest Ɣ☺ΰ!' She shouted frantically as she followed her friend, pushing through the crowd as fast as she could.
Half blinded by tears Mary stumbled on, undeterred by the insults hurled at her from people she hit as she stumbled past. She kept going, pushing and walking. Her eyes fixed on the soldier! She had to stop him! She saw him raise the whip again! He wasn't far now, she could just about reach the whip! She lunged forward!
She never saw the blow coming! The soldier had been following her, commanding her to stop. When he saw her reach for the whip he had hit her with the blunt end of his spear.
He cursed under his breath, he hoped she wasn't dead, these crazy jews had been known to riot for a lot less. He did not relish the idea of explaining to his superiors how he caused a riot, just days after the riot at the temple steps. He still couldn't believe the jews had chosen to free Barabas the murderer, instead of the harmless man being tortured here today.
He knelt quickly at her side, he recognized her! She was the prophets mother! He felt for a pulse, it was there faint, but regular!
He heaved a sigh of relief, she was bleeding heavily though, if she was to survive this ordeal the bleeding had to be stopped.
He stood his knees buckling, he was still very shaken from his brush with disaster. He had already attracted a lot of attention from the jews.
'Somebody get this woman away from here now!' He barked, injecting all the authority he could muster into his voice.
Mary came to with a groan! Her head hurt, her mouth dry!
'What happened?' She whispered. She was obviously dazed
'Where am i?' She asked the empty room, she was nauseated, she gagged and her breakfast came rushing out.
'You re awake' Magdalene said, appearing out of nowhere! She looked very relieved
'I was so frightened' she continued as she gently mopped the beads of sweat off her friends brow!
'Where am i' Mary asked her voice frail
'In my house, you have been unconscious for a whole day' Magdalene replied 'i was so scared, i thought Ɣ☺ΰ would die' she continued, pulling her friend into a tight hug
Suddenly Mary sat up with a jerk!
'My son! Where is my son?' She asked her heart pounding hard.
Mary saw the expression on Magdalenes face and she knew the worst had happened.
'Just lie still and rest, Ɣ☺ΰ must not stress yourself' she said avoiding Mary's eyes as she tried to push her back into the bed.
'Stop avoiding the question!' Mary retorted forcing herself out of her friends grip! 'Where is he? Where is my child?'
'They took him to Golgotta' Magdalene said barely stifling a sob. But she had to be strong, for her friend.
'The place of the skull? Crucifixion? They re goin to kill him? Why? all he did was love and heal!' Mary yelled leaping to her feet, her eyes crazed, she was enveloped in an excruciating avalanche of pain.
Mary grabbed her shawl and made for the door.
'Where re Ɣ☺ΰ going?' Magdalene asked startled
'Am goin to be with my son!' Mary replied as she slammed the door shut.
Magdalene hurried out after her friend.
The friends walked the 3km in silence, not even looking at each other. Each clinging to the others hand like a lifeline. They were both lost in their individual thoughts. Assailed by memories of the times they had spent with him.
'Its all my fault' mary whispered, her voice strangely flat, devoid of emotion.
'If i hadn't forced him to turn the water into wine at that wedding at Cana he would not be about to die now! That was his first miracle you know?'
'It wasn't your fault May' Magdalene replied her voice firm 'he was sent by God to save the world, there is nothing anybody could have done to stop him!'
By now they could see the large crowd gathered around the cross!
'They have killed him! They have killed my son' she yelled frantically as she fell to the ground.
Mary Magdalene fell on the ground holding her friend tight.
'He changed my life, he saved me!' She said her eyes staring into the past 'before i met him i was a prostitute! I was nothing!'
Just then a chill descended in the air and there was darkness everywhere! The sun blotted out of the sky.
The women were terrified, the mixture of fear and sorrow making a horrible brew in their hearts.
'What is happening?' Magdalene whispered the fear laced all through her voice.
'I don't know' Mary replied every bit as frightened as her friend
They held on to each other and wept.
Then just As suddenly as d darkness descended, it lifted and the world was once again flooded with light.
And for the first time Mary allowed herself look at the crowd. Most of the people were weeping. The sorrow in the air was palpable.
They all loved him, he had changed their lives, touched them. He was their saviour! He was her son!
Then she looked at him. Nailed on the cross between the two thieves, he still looked so regal. He still looked like a king.
Though he was stripped to his underpants he might well have been dressed in the purple royal robes, with the authority he was exuding.
She rose to her feet, and made her way towards the cross, the tears flowing freely down her face. The closer she got to the cross, the more she noticed the signs of the sufferings her son had been put through. The angry red gashes from the whippings made her shudder. She looked into her son's face, and her heart gave way. His had aged tremendously since she last saw him. His cheeks were hollow and his eyes sunken. But worse of all was the sorrow in his eyes. She knew he hurt not only from the torture but also out for love for the people responsible for his pain
'Father forgive them for they know not what they do' her son yelled to the sky.
The exertion from his prayer made him sag, his head sinking down to his chest. Mary's heart skipped a bit. She was afraid he had died. She heard a scream, it took her a while to realize the scream was from her. Her world had turned upside down.
Suddenly she felt a pair of strong masculine pull her into a tight embrace. She screamed harder and tried to pull away.
Then she heard a male voice whisper 'calm down Mama, its only me, John'
It was John, she loved John! He was her favorite of the 12. She relaxed into his embrace and looked up into his intense eyes. They were darker than usual, his eye bags bulging. He obviously hadn't been getting much sleep either. His body was vibrating with nervous energy, and she realized how helpless he must be feeling. John who was one half of the notorious 'sons of thunder' forced to helplessly watch the killing of the person he loved most in the world.
Neither of them spoke, they just stayed locked in the tight embrace, basking in the slight comfort of knowing they understood each other's pain.
Just then her son looked up, and stared straight at them.
'Son behold your mother, mother behold your son' her son said his eyes brimming with tears.
John and Mary burst into harrowing sobs, amazed that even through his sufferings he was still trying to mend their broken hearts. They clung on to each other their bodies vibrating as the river of tears flowed down their eyes.
A pair of soft feminine hands pried Mary away from her new son , through her curtain of tears she saw it was her friend Magdalene. She had caught up with her finally. Magdalene looked gaunt and unkempt, her usually beautiful hair falling in untidy tangles. She drew her friend into her arms.
As the sun slowly sunk below the horizon, both women turned to look up at him. His eyes were screwed tight, the pain etched into every fiber of his being. Far worse than the pain however was the despair he was exuding. Her son was a beacon of hope, the sorrow and despair flowing from him was the most harrowing experience for Mary of the whole ordeal.
Her sons eyes were screwed shut and she could see rivulets of sweat and blood flow down his tortured body.
'Father!, Father! Why have Ɣ☺ΰ forsaken me?' He cried .His cry echoed through their hearts.
His cry tore at her heart, she could only imagine the amount of hurt he must be going through for him to feel deserted by his Father. Mary looked up to the heavens.
'Please help my son!' She whispered into the skies!
But the skies seemed to distant today, so aloof to her pain. The clouds drifted carelessly about oblivious to her pain.
'Mother! I love you' he spoke this directly into her mind! She loved it when he did dis. It felt personal and private.
She draped her arms across her chest and held his voice close. Enjoying the feeling she had as his voice caressed her heart.
Then from the distance she heard his voice echo.
'It is finished' and his body sagged as he died.
Marys heart imploded, this was the end. Her son was gone. Mary was filled with an aching emptiness, her lifes purpose had just died.
 Mary looked at her friend,her face drawn and tired. She had aged at least a hundred years in the last few minutes. She leaned in towards her friend and whispered
'Magda, he was my son!'

bleak thots!

i have been running away from my head for a while! i supressed all my worries in my head locked it up and threw away the keys!
unfortunately i can no longer continue without my head! so this mornin i have opened up the pandoras box and all the crazy thots have come tumbling out. before i go much further i want to thank Odunayo for making me continue my blog! i had given up on it!
in my musings i have come to realise that i have a really long flight ahead of me, and i am strangely pleased in anticipation of the chances i will get to cut corners. so here i am enjoying my flight to oblivion.
when really bad things happen, some people feel it is game over, but i beg to disagree, the game has only just begun. numerous opportunities still lie in our paths to concede more goals and lose even more glory.
Oh the JOY of pessimism!!!
it frees you from the throes of disappointment! you cannot dampen my spirit, when my spirit is already lying in a puddle.
how can you make me depressed when you already met me in that state? the intoxicating sense of power over myself grips me! HA nobody can ruffle my feathers, he who is down need fear no fall!
Have you noticed that there is something qutie happy about depression?
in the smug satisfaction that comes from pitying yourself. in the blameless peity involved in blaming everybody else for your problems. OH the joy of being guilt free!
why do you laugh at the madman? dont you realise that he has been emancipated from the mind buggling frustrations of sanity? no wonder he is so happy!
you must be mad to hold on so desperately to your sanity! hahahahaha!
why weep at death? staring at the empty shell that once contained your loved one. what happened to the belief that the he is in a better place and can be hurt no more? is it doubt that makes us hang on so tightly to our existence? valiantly struggling to delay our trip to the other side of breath, i wonder!
i look into their eyes and i can see their frustration. struggling for relevance in a sea of irrelevance!
striving to achieve greatness by embracing mediocrity!
scurrying around in a rat race, gathering shiny jewels and trinkets only to lose dem all on their final trip.
i stand alone watching! the lone wolf, amused at the futility of deir struggles!
though as lost as dey re i choose to stand still till i find d road map to redemption!
but how do i find if i do not seek? all certainly is vanity!
then my thots drifted over to war! the abject idiocy of war!
I disagree with you so i will send some of my sons over for you to kill!
in exchange we will kill some of your sons,it then boils down to the smarter party losing when he realizes he cannot afford to lose anymore sons! while d stupid victor gloats over his willingness to throw away more life!
three cheers for the outstanding victor!!! hurray! hurray!! hurray!!!
succinctly put, war is old men talking and young men dying!
over to love! in my minds eye, i spy to lovers necking in the woods! a really romantic scene! only neither of them is aware of the niggling doubts in d odas heart!
neither aware that in the next minute the warm fuzzy feelings would be replaced with  harsh animosity!
it is funny that in a relationship it is d person dat cares less that wields more power, but isnt it the vulnerability that is the very essence of a relationship?
now i am in d feilds! admiring the butterflies as dey  flitter from one bush to the next! suddenly out of nowhere a child comes out and grabs a butterfly and stuffs it in his pocket! a wry smile touches my lips as i think, what is captivating would be held captive, all that is ravishing would be ravished. it is the very nature of man that makes him destroy all that is beautiful in his path!
i still have lot left to say but i am hungry! so goodbye world!

think!

i am just lost in myself again! its an uncharted jungle and i wonder in it not knowing wot i will find at the next turn, it could be beauty or danger, a rose or a jaguar! or on those rare occasions it could be beautiful danger, a special blend that promises heart thumping fun.
okay so i have been rambling for a while, let me get back on course, on my journey through my mind i am examining my relationships, past and present and i am considering the impact they have had on me.
you see i believe friendship is highly symbolic and the kind of people that are attracted to you, tells a lot about the kind of person you are. this is not a very far fetched notion as the kind of person you are determines the kind of things you do, and the kind of places you go, which by implication determines the kind of people you meet and eventually become friends with.  in some strange situations however, we see opposites attracting, like a moth drawn to flame a seemingly good and docile girl can be uncontrollably attracted to a person many people consider to be bad! however there is a very simple solution to this puzzle, it is the suppressed inclinations in the female that are actually attracting her to the person she sees as been bold enough to express them.
back to friends, there are several kinds of friends! some are blankets, warm and comforting, protecting you from the harsh coldness of the world! others are like leeches, always demanding, sucking the life blood out of you slowly! always demanding, always wanting more! there are the statues, always around but hardly ever adding significant to your life. then there are the pillars, they are friends you inadvertently build your life around, who shoulder all your worries bringing prompt solutions.
there are several other different types of friends each useful in their own way however, it is important to know how to treat each of them! some like the pillars and the blankets should be cherished and no sacrifice is too great for them, the statues however usually use you to while away time as they are unable to create their own fun so they hang around, so it is better not to over stress yourself for them as they are just there for the ride!
the leeches are usually bad influences and are always needing something desperately from you, they are always promising to pay you back and most times they forget what you did for them, demanding more from you instead!

okay i guess i have to round off here, though there is so much more to say on this topic, i promise to get back to this topic eventually! from me its good night!

good morning!

i feel our life is like a ball of wool, intertwined and clumsy. but still one single strand of wool with one beginning and one end.
it can also be compared with a school of fish, with their several silvery wriggling bodies. some large others small. but still one school one destination.
it is a pack of wolves, scattered and wild. howling defiantly at the moon, the faster stronger ones at the front, the older ones at the back. but still one pack, one prey.
it is one life, with several jumbled events. some good, others bad. but with one squealing beginning, and one gasping end.
this life is nothing but a conveyor belt from this world to the next.
i know all this may sound a bit bleak, but after examining all the intrigues of life, the drama, the deceit, cares of this world, adventure, love. you will come to realize that it is all so very fleeting, no state lasts for long, the happiness is brief, sadness fades away, even love(eros) at some point fades away!, our ambitions change, as at the attainment of our goals, all we are left with in the place of our blazing ambition is an aching numbness, as we realise there is nothing else to look forward to, so we search frantically for new obstacles to surmount.
it has been said that the journey is the destination, and i am an avid believer of this, it is not the certificate we receive at the end of our academic session that is our education, nope our education is embedded in everyday we spent in the institution of learning.
like the mountain climber that goes through indescribable horrors to get to the top of the mountain, battling the terrifying cold, teeth chattering as his beard becomes an icicle, heart hammering as he hears the terrifying howls of the unidentified beast, each successive howl closer than the last, and his breath shallow as he carefully shuffles through precarious slopes. he finally reaches the top and he feels a rush of exhiliration and awe as he looks down, the world at his feet. then as suddenly as it comes the excitement disappears and he is left with the chilling sadness that only comes with the attainment of ones goals

so what is my final submission? it is simply this, live like everyday is your last! strive to achieve as much as possible, but with eternity firmly at the back of your, as wen d grim reaper comes calling, you are going to live all your wealth and achievements behind. like Solomon said all IS vanity. there is certainly going to be a part 2 of this musing, and i apologise if it is a tad disjointed, but from me this is good morning!

why?

i fully intended to write something ground breaking, profound and smart today, but i am feeling generally lethargic. i am finding it extremely difficult to summon the will to think. i look around my immediate surroundings and i see everything in disarray my clothes and shoes lying in clumsy tangles around the floor and within me i know i ought to stand up and put things in order, but all i can make myself do is shrug and shuffle into a more comfortable position inside my pile of clean clothes i just got from the dry cleaners. i feel like someone just drained the life out of me.

so i ask myself why? why am i  feeling like this? why cant i shake this cancerous feeling of dissatisfaction that is growing larger in me everyday?

instead of answers all i get is more questions, my friend logic seems to have deserted me, as i cannot come up with a plausible reason for my current state. i feel like i am walking in a thunderstorm wearing a raincoat that has no buttons, so though i have several possible answers to my questions, none of my answers can fully protect me from the rain of questions assailing my mind.

the one comfort i have however is time, like a drunk in a bar, my pain and dissatisfaction is dulled by each successive turn of the glass( hour for me, vodka for the drunk).

in the perfect world that exists only in my head i am all alone, as all the chinks my present armour are brought about by the people i allowed to get close enough to be welded into my armour.

i am not sure i was able to make any sense in todays post but i swear, this is unaldulterated, straight from my oh so befuddled mind.